Talking About the Love I Have for My Son

I didn’t witness his birth with my own eyes — that’s a regret I carry.

The first time I saw him, he was on his grandfather’s shoulders, so tiny it felt like he could barely be found.

I stayed with him until he turned one, then returned to the U.S. Before he was two, we met again. He would hold my hand, and the first sentence I heard him say in Chinese was, “Look, that’s an excavator.”

After he turned two, the three of us were finally reunited, and began our life as a family of three.

When he was three, we went hiking. It was a 3-mile trail. He said he was tired, and that was the first time I gave him a lesson in willpower: “Baby, I believe you can finish this.” He persevered. Since then, he has never again said he was tired during hikes. During spring break last year, when he was seven, we hiked 10 miles in the Grand Canyon. He was always at the front, cheering us on. Even when we ran out of water, he saved his own bottle and wouldn’t drink it. He was the first to reach the end, and when I finally caught up, he gave me his water to drink.

When he was four, I started teaching him tennis. That was also when the arguments and growing pains between us began.

At five, to encourage his interest, I started a free tennis class — just to get a few kids to play with him and build some enthusiasm. Ironically, that passion didn’t ignite in him, but spread to other children, and gradually led me down the path of becoming a full-time tennis coach.

At six and seven, I spent my time with him swimming, ice skating, boating, reading to him, and giving him math problems while driving. He got the answers easily. But his progress in tennis remained slow.

At seven, his tennis finally seemed to improve a little. I began losing interest in teaching kids under seven.

When he turned eight, he began more structured training, and I became his practice partner. I stopped taking on most kids under eight, but to meet market demand, I started offering free community classes, taught by my high school students. I encouraged my son to try playing in some matches. He kept losing — but that was okay. At least he never refused. I asked him whether he played tennis because he truly liked it, or because of me. He thought for a moment and said, “Because of you.” Is it that his emotional intelligence is too high, or mine not enough?

Once, I chose to play in a tennis tournament and didn’t take him to a playdate with swimming — he was very upset. Now, I rearrange my entire schedule to be there for his chess award ceremonies when he wins first place. I keep getting his sweet little love notes, like one saying how happy he’d be to sleep next to me before leaving for China in the summer. While in China, he wrote me letters expressing gratitude — thanking me for being his mom, and for helping him grow through sports.

This summer, after he returns, I plan to once again adjust my tennis teaching hours to carve out more time to practice with him. If he can absorb any of the passion I have for teaching tennis, I want to give that first and foremost to him, not other children.

Maybe the love I have for him wasn’t innate from the start — but grew gradually through all the moments of companionship, quarrels and reconciliation, laughter and roughhousing, joy and tears. I thank the heavens for giving me a child who is so full of life, with such bright, expressive eyes. To be worthy of being his mother, I am constantly working on becoming a more loving, wiser person — someone who can support him both emotionally and financially.

谈谈我给儿子的爱
我没有亲眼看着他出生，那是一种遗憾。
第一眼见到他，在外公的肩膀上，小的让人找不到。
陪着他到一岁，我回了美国。二岁不到再次见面，他会拉我的手，我听到他说的第一句中文是“ 看，那是挖掘机”。
二岁之后。我们三人终于团聚，开始了三人世界。
三岁时候我们外出徒步，走了三英里，他说累了，我给了他第一次意志力的磨练，“宝宝，我觉得你可以坚持到底的”。他坚持了下来，从此我们徒步，他再也没有说过累，在去年7 岁时候春假10英里大峡谷徒步中，他总能走在最前面，给我们加油打气，我们的水都喝完了，他还保留了他自己的一瓶，舍不得喝，他第一个走完终点，等我走完之后，他把水给了我喝。
四岁的时候，我开始教他打网球，也开始了我们之间的吵架和磨合。
五岁的时候，为了增加他的兴趣，我开始了免费的网球班课，就是想拉几个孩子陪他一起学习网球培养兴趣。结果，这种热情在他身上不被吸收，却逐渐转移到了其他孩子身上，让我走上了全职网球教练的道路。
六，七岁的时候，我的陪伴是游泳，溜冰，划船，给他念书， 开车的时候给他出数学题， 他都会了，但是网球进步缓慢。
7岁的时候，他的网球好像开始有点进步了，我给小于7岁的孩子上课的兴趣也慢慢减少。
8岁的时候，他开始了更正规的训练，我就当陪练了。8岁以下的孩子我基本都不接了但是为了市场需求，开了公益课，让我的高中学员去教课。 我让儿子尝试的去打一点比赛，他一直输，但是没有关系，至少他没有拒绝，问他是自己愿意喜欢打球，还是为了我。他想了一想说为了我，是他情商太高，还是我情商不够呢？
我曾经为了自己去打比赛，没有带他去赴play date 游泳，他很不高兴， 到现在我可以挪动我所有的schedule, 为了赶上他象棋比赛拿冠军的颁奖仪式，还有不断收到他写的小情书，说暑假回国之前，想和我睡觉，他会很happy, 他在暑假国内写信给我，表达他对我的感谢，感谢我做他的妈咪，感谢我帮助他发展体育。
这次暑假儿子回来之后，我打算再调整网球课时，腾出更多的时间陪他练球，如果他可以吸收到我教课的热情，我首先给的是他，而不是别的孩子。
我对他的爱也许不是天生就来了，而是逐渐通过各种陪伴，吵架与和好，嬉笑与打闹，欢笑和哭泣，慢慢滋长出来的。谢谢老天，给了我一个活色生香，明眸善睐 的孩子，为了配的起做这样孩子的妈咪，我同时也在努力做一个更有爱，更有智慧，经济上情感上都能托举他的人。